LADVENT CALENDAR

We’ve got Prizes, we got Paedos and we got Pox!

Yes – Jesus, Joseph and Mary Queen of Pox!

The quiz part of The Ladvent Calendar is now closed.

There are still some exciting offerings to cum so keep checking in!

We had lots of very rude xmas cards thank you. Some from people who refused to give us their real names, and some with no address at all.

Without further ado we announce the following ‘winners’:

Martin Ashberry
Claire Priest
Jared Calladine
Lard Lucan
John Millington
Carl Whittle
P Melling
Neil Dugdale
Andy Wurz
Eddie George
Paul Billson
Neil McLean
Rob Parkin

All will receive various items of our unwanted rubbish, hopefully before next Christmas.

A special mention goes to the following:

Callum Millward – who didn’t include his address (unless he actually does live at Hallmark Cards PLC in Bradford?)

Madeline McCann – also no address given.

‘Mary Queen of Pox’ c/w ‘Middle Finger’ was released at The Engine Shed, Lincoln on 14th December. All attending arse bandeets and sheepshaggers received a free vinyl single as a gift from Slippery Git on the t-shirt and assorted paraphernalia stall.

 

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SCRATCH n SNIFF

Find the mystery middle finger

Use Middle Finger Here

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Curly Clare

Curly Clare

Here comes Curly Clare with her pubic hair
Reaching forty feet, curling round her knees
And stretching down the stairs

She’s quite fussy about her pussy
Even though its quite dandruffy
And she’s bushy round the gusset
So she takes the time to brush it

And the hairs peep through when they catch in her zip
Like grey corkscrews but with yellowy tips
They smell of wee and she tries to mask it
It looks like last year’s hanging basket

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The Beaters Xmas Tip

Keep warm this winter, especially during cold snaps and frosts. Light a sturdy fire and drink plenty of fluids.

INSTRUCTIONS

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A pox on everyone

For details on how to catch the pox click the pufter's button

Pufter's Button

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Moaning Lisa

Moaning Lisa

There was an air of gloom down in the changing room
…as another zipper breaks
She’s been a size fourteen since she was fourteen
But now she’s twenty eight

These say eighteen, but they’re a size sixteen,
And they making her bum look fat
She huffs and puffs with the designer jeans,
And the sweat runs down her back

Down in the cleavage where the hairs are sprouting
Collecting the seepage for the buttock sweat fountain
Don’t go near her, you can’t please her
Moaning Lisa and her buttock sweat geyser

She moans and she groans and her belly grows
And she whines all the time her love handles show
Pains in her veins coz they’re varicose
See them pop, see them pop, see them pop.

Her tummy’s fat with really runny fat,
And she shovels in the chips
There’s flesh exposed above the pantyhose
When she reaches for the crisps
She got her buttocks wet with buttock sweat
when she sat down in the chair
From beneath her skirt there was a cleavage squirt
Sent a fountain in the air…

And at Christmas time we ply her with liquor
And fill up her knickers with bitter and glitter
She’ll shower us in beer, while shaking her rear
And all the lads cheer: “Fuck off at New Year!”

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Knobby's Specials

Only 3 Sunday Dinners to go until Xmas, and here we proudly present to you Uncle Knobby's Christmas Special Fayre.

Knobby's Specials

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Who's doing xmas dinner?

From the 2018 UK Tour, she may have been a beauty queen…

Download

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Ladvent Quiz

This is the second of 7 questions. Save up all the answers. Post your 7 answers written on a rude Xmas Card to The Cock in Treacle, 13 King Edward Street, Macclesfield SK10 1AQ. The first correct answers will win a variety of rare vinyl signed by the band!

Download

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Dear Muttley…

We've had a Clitoris Card!

Download

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Handy Keepsake

We've created the ultimate cut out and keep xmas decoration – click the sheepshaggers's button

Sheepshaggers's Button

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MERRY CLITORIS!

Mary Queen of Pox is here! To get a copy of the vinyl click here

Penny pinching cheapskates can click below… Merry Clitoris!

BE VERY WARY

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Mary Queen of Pox

She’s a tiger tank,
with a clitoris,
Drops her pants for a bag of chips
Her skin’s hard and leathery,
breath’s full of cheddary bits

Spreads wide her muddy knees,
Spreads venereal disease,
The lice and the warts and the boils and the fleas
And the crabs and the syphilis,
scabs in her clitoris cheese

We call her Mary Queen of Pox
There’s a curious rash underneath her tache,
Germs with teeth hide inside her gash
There’s no gettin over her,
everytime you go for a slash

Each time you slash it burns,
scratch at your rash and squirm
Round worm tapeworm inchworm bellyworm
She’s dead keen to share with us
all of her various germs

We call her Mary Queen of Pox
Spores on her grubby lips,
sores on her chubby hips
Love and hate on her stubby digits
New strain of bacteria in her interior bits

We call her Mary Queen of Pox
She’s had more cocks inside her box with gonorrhoea

We call her Mary Queen of Pox
And she has knocked more helmets off than Boadicea

And she’s more violent and drinks more beer
She’s Mary, be wary of her hairy flaps
She’s Mary, be wary of a momentary lapse
She’s Mary, be wary, of the legendary clap

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Ladvent Quiz

This is the fifth of 7 questions. Save up all the answers. Post your 7 answers written on a rude Xmas Card to The Cock in Treacle, 13 King Edward Street, Macclesfield SK10 1AQ. The first correct answers will win a variety of rare vinyl signed by the band!

Download

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SCRATCH AND SNIFF

Print and keep this perfect accompaniment for all Macc Lads Xmas trees!

PHLEGM

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Four more sleeps til xmas!

For important information, click below.

Below

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Ladvent Quiz

This is the first of 7 questions. Save up all the answers. Post your 7 answers written on a rude Xmas Card to The Cock in Treacle, 13 King Edward Street, Macclesfield SK10 1AQ. The first correct answers will win a variety of rare vinyl signed by the band!

Download

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Once in Royall Davids Chippy

Enjoy some early festive misery…

Download

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EH UP

Lets Sup!

Button

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The Sunniside Era Nursing Home

I’ve spent the best part of me life trying to ditch the wife
With knickers soiled and maggoty
She needs helping to the lavatory
No matter how I tried, the bitch just wouldn’t die
I tried cyanide in the shepherd’s pie,
Carbon monoxide by the fireside
Fed her meat that wasn’t cooked
I tried homicide I tried pesticides, even tried uxoricide
(And I had to look that one up)
50 years of pain, I had to get away,
and so I booked myself a place
In the Sunniside golden era nursing home

Now I’m an internee, Its hot and smells of wee
At least I am alone, alone and on my own in
the Sunniside golden era nursing home

But guess who came to spoil it?
(She needs helping to the toilet)
In the Sunniside golden era nursing home
I told her thanks for calling,
and I ordered a tarpaulin
And a shovel over the phone,
and some stuff that disintegrates bone
I bought a blender off the net,
about the same size as her head
I’ve tried to boot her,
tried to shoot her and electrocute her
Now I’ll execute her . . .
. . . with my mobility scooter

At last I am alone, alone and on my own
in the Sunniside golden era nursing home

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Ladvent Quiz

This is the third of 7 questions. Save up all the answers. Post your 7 answers written on a rude Xmas Card to The Cock in Treacle, 13 King Edward Street, Macclesfield SK10 1AQ. The first correct answers will win a variety of rare vinyl signed by the band!

Download

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Dog Shit Solution

Got a ruined carpet? Need a new one just before Christmas? Today is last post!

Download

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Ladvent Quiz

This is the last of 7 questions. Post your 7 answers written on a rude Xmas Card to The Cock in Treacle, 13 King Edward Street, Macclesfield SK10 1AQ. The first correct answers will win a variety of rare vinyl signed by the band!

Download

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Ladvent Quiz

This is the fourth of 7 questions. Save up all the answers. Post your 7 answers written on a rude Xmas Card to The Cock in Treacle, 13 King Edward Street, Macclesfield SK10 1AQ. The first correct answers will win a variety of rare vinyl signed by the band!

Download

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Gordons Takeaway Menu

Download Gordons velly velly tasty xmas menu here!

Download

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Ladvent Quiz

This is the sixth of 7 questions. Save up all the answers. Post your 7 answers written on a rude Xmas Card to The Cock in Treacle, 13 King Edward Street, Macclesfield SK10 1AQ. The first correct answers will win a variety of rare vinyl signed by the band!

Download