INFAMOUS YEARS

THE INFAMOUS YEARS

1067 – William the Conqueror grants “ye lands in ye swarde of Macc’s feld to Jean de Normandie, henceforth Sir John de Macclesfield.”

1081 – In an amazing coincidence, John builds his castle at one end of Castle Street – right next to Macc Donald’s.

1086 – The Domesday Book entry reveals Macclesfield to have a population of 12, land for four ploughs, and thirteen alehouses.

1281 – Macc O’Polo walks the Silk Road and makes contact with the outside world. He reaches Buxton (1281), Leek (1282) and China (1283).

1286 – Macc brings home spices; silk; mints; tea; gunpowder and Gordon – an oriental entrepreneur.

1287 – Gordon establishes an emporium on the banks of the local river. It is a place where fighting takes place after the alehouses are drunk dry.

1290 – Gordon begins to sell hot turnips for the crowds that gather to watch the fights.

1301 -Trout is added to the menu. Fish and Nips becomes the local delicacy.

1346 РThe local archery team visits Picardy and defeat 20,000 French knights on the field of Cr̩cy. They return with blood-soaked mud from the battlefield, complete with spinal cords, hair and bits of brain. They present this mud to Gordon as a momento of their deeds:

“Behold the soil of Picardy, where many frogs were bashed this day …. and now lieth in their graves.”

1347 – Gordon invents gravy, and begins to market ‘nips and glavy’.

1431 – Joan of Arse burned at the stake. The decision was taken to burn her body as engineers could not dig a hole big enough to bury her.

1484 – Gordon takes advantage of the Wars of the Roses, and gets the contract to clean up the battlefields. His new menu features cold peasant with boiled lice.

1485 – A hungry hunchback is spotted in Gordon’s shouting:

“A horseburger! A horseburger!
My kingdom for a horseburger.”

1523 – Local fat bastard Macc Ear, cultivates an enormous belly.
He eats dried worms, puppies, and even children in his search for greatness.
He travels the world displaying his huge gut: The Macc Ear Belly.
Eventually he becomes rich- proving that the end justifies the means.
He died of obesity in Florence, where locals took to eating his dried worm recipe- and called it Macc Irony.

1564 – Birth of William Shakesbeer- bard of Macclesfield. He writes a series of rude plays and beery ballads: King Beer, Macc Breath, & Toilet and Cressida.

1588 – William has a bastard son with a local trollop called Baggy Anne Hathaway. The boy is known throughout the Shire as Smuttley (for his dirty mind) Mucklad (as he works in a sty). Mucklad pens several sonnets including: My Lady Muck, Hogbashing, Lads from Muck, and I Love Muck.

1603 – Courageous sea dog, Sir Salty Raleigh sails round the world, and returns with a potato, a guitar and twenty Embassy No1.