Nov 5th, 1605
Smuttley asks this guy for a light, and discovers that he can develop cancerous growths
on his lungs by inhaling the smoke given off by the potato. After experiments with boiling
baking and mashing, Gordon tries deep-frying slices of the guitar in his takeaway.
April 27th 1746
A local highwayman, known for vomiting on his victims, decided to retire. A closing down sale was announced at Sick Turpin’s Hot Goods. This prompted an invasion by an army of ginger-haired, penny-pinching, caber-tossing Scotch gits. An almighty battle took place. The parsimonious Picts were finally scattered by the Mayor, William Gitt the Elder, who announced a 50% discount at a haberdashery store in Culloden.
June 21st 1796
Mungo Park takes a wrong turn at the end of Mill St and discovers the River Niger in Darkest Africa. Mungo returns with souvenirs which he presents to Gordon…..
Gordon’s is soon offering ‘Snake & pygmy pie and chips’ for tuppence ha’penny.
October 14th 1805
William Gitt the Younger, becomes Mayor of Macclesfield. He immediately creates new taxes, and goes into partnership with Gordon.
1. Heavy smoking and drinking is made compulsory.
2. Duty on cigarettes and beer is trebled.
C. All food is banned apart from pies, pudding, chips and gravy
4. Fellatio Nell is invited to kiss his hardy.
October 25th 1854
The Crimean War.
Local alcoholic, and petty criminal- Florence Night in Gaol- arrives at a Turkish hospital to help with amputations. Sgt Styx destroys the Russian cannons at Balaclava, despite orders from Lord Cardigan. Flo returns to Macc and opens the first ‘kebab’ shop. Styx returns with a new style of clothing- the leather jacket.
October 24th 1929
The big crash. After failing to attract tourists, Sir John de Macclesfield’s castle is demolished. The examples of Leeds Castle and Fountains Abbey were not followed.
Sir John failed to build his castle next to a car park or a gift shop.
Nov 22nd 1963
Maxonians have taken to standing on the grassy knoll, pointing, and hurling bricks at strange objects in the sky. New safety measures are sanctioned allowing aircraft to fly over Macc at supersonic speeds. This high speed becomes known as Macc 1.
July 21st 1969
A giant leap for Macc-kind.
Electricity is discovered by the boiled egg-loving hermit: Michael Fartaday.
Slimy Git immediately patents the essentials of life.
He brings to the town the pie warmer (1969);
cigarette vending machine (1970);
the 8-track cartridge (’74); the Betamax video (’75);
and the Punk Rock Guitar Amp (1976)…