A vast forest stretches from Alderley across the Pennines. This is the home of the lost tribe of Ancient Britons.
And this tribe hated everyone.
They fought with Celts, Picts, Romans, Angles, Jutes, Vikings, Mancs and Scousers. But their numbers were few, and their homeland was whittled away by invaders. Soon these people were virtually extinct.
Their name was the Beatermaccs, and their domain was Beatermacc’s Field.
Legends grew about the antisocial tribe who existed in Macc’s Field…Huge hairy creatures covered in woad, who swore and drank and fought with all outsiders. And tales were told of their menfolk… How they spent their days thinking up ruder and cruder ways of offending ‘foreigners’, and eating ‘nips n gravy’.
Thus these people existed for centuries with little contact with the outside world. They developed their own language, cuisine, sports, customs and music…
But the discovery of electricity in 1969 changed everything…
In 1981, the village elders selected three men to journey into the unknown as ambassadors….. – all in a desperate attempt to boost the tourist industry.
These three men were known as The Macc Lads.
THE INFAMOUS YEARS
1067 – William the Conqueror grants “ye lands in ye swarde of Macc’s feld to Jean de Normandie, henceforth Sir John de Macclesfield.”
1081 – In an amazing coincidence, John builds his castle at one end of Castle Street – right next to Macc Donald’s.
1086 – The Domesday Book entry reveals Macclesfield to have a population of 12, land for four ploughs, and thirteen alehouses.
1281 – Macc O’Polo walks the Silk Road and makes contact with the outside world. He reaches Buxton (1281), Leek (1282) and China (1283).
1286 – Macc brings home spices; silk; mints; tea; gunpowder and Gordon – an oriental entrepreneur.
1287 – Gordon establishes an emporium on the banks of the local river. It is a place where fighting takes place after the alehouses are drunk dry.
1290 – Gordon begins to sell hot turnips for the crowds that gather to watch the fights.
1301 -Trout is added to the menu. Fish and Nips becomes the local delicacy.
1346 – The local archery team visits Picardy and defeat 20,000 French knights on the field of Crécy. They return with blood-soaked mud from the battlefield, complete with spinal cords, hair and bits of brain. They present this mud to Gordon as a momento of their deeds:
“Behold the soil of Picardy, where many frogs were bashed this day …. and now lieth in their graves.”
1347 – Gordon invents gravy, and begins to market ‘nips and glavy’.
1431 – Joan of Arse burned at the stake. The decision was taken to burn her body as engineers could not dig a hole big enough to bury her.
1484 – Gordon takes advantage of the Wars of the Roses, and gets the contract to clean up the battlefields. His new menu features cold peasant with boiled lice.
1485 – A hungry hunchback is spotted in Gordon’s shouting:
“A horseburger! A horseburger!
My kingdom for a horseburger.”
1523 – Local fat bastard Macc Ear, cultivates an enormous belly.
He eats dried worms, puppies, and even children in his search for greatness.
He travels the world displaying his huge gut: The Macc Ear Belly.
Eventually he becomes rich- proving that the end justifies the means.
He died of obesity in Florence, where locals took to eating his dried worm recipe- and called it Macc Irony.
1564 – Birth of William Shakesbeer- bard of Macclesfield. He writes a series of rude plays and beery ballads: King Beer, Macc Breath, & Toilet and Cressida.
1588 – William has a bastard son with a local trollop called Baggy Anne Hathaway. The boy is known throughout the Shire as Smuttley (for his dirty mind) Mucklad (as he works in a sty). Mucklad pens several sonnets including: My Lady Muck, Hogbashing, Lads from Muck, and I Love Muck.
1603 – Courageous sea dog, Sir Salty Raleigh sails round the world, and returns with a potato, a guitar and twenty Embassy No1.
Nov 5th, 1605
Smuttley asks this guy for a light, and discovers that he can develop cancerous growths
on his lungs by inhaling the smoke given off by the potato. After experiments with boiling
baking and mashing, Gordon tries deep-frying slices of the guitar in his takeaway.
April 27th 1746
A local highwayman, known for vomiting on his victims, decided to retire. A closing down sale was announced at Sick Turpin’s Hot Goods. This prompted an invasion by an army of ginger-haired, penny-pinching, caber-tossing Scotch gits. An almighty battle took place. The parsimonious Picts were finally scattered by the Mayor, William Gitt the Elder, who announced a 50% discount at a haberdashery store in Culloden.
June 21st 1796
Mungo Park takes a wrong turn at the end of Mill St and discovers the River Niger in Darkest Africa. Mungo returns with souvenirs which he presents to Gordon…..
Gordon’s is soon offering ‘Snake & pygmy pie and chips’ for tuppence ha’penny.
October 14th 1805
William Gitt the Younger, becomes Mayor of Macclesfield. He immediately creates new taxes, and goes into partnership with Gordon.
1. Heavy smoking and drinking is made compulsory.
2. Duty on cigarettes and beer is trebled.
C. All food is banned apart from pies, pudding, chips and gravy
4. Fellatio Nell is invited to kiss his hardy.
October 25th 1854
The Crimean War.
Local alcoholic, and petty criminal- Florence Night in Gaol- arrives at a Turkish hospital to help with amputations. Sgt Styx destroys the Russian cannons at Balaclava, despite orders from Lord Cardigan. Flo returns to Macc and opens the first ‘kebab’ shop. Styx returns with a new style of clothing- the leather jacket.
October 24th 1929
The big crash. After failing to attract tourists, Sir John de Macclesfield’s castle is demolished. The examples of Leeds Castle and Fountains Abbey were not followed.
Sir John failed to build his castle next to a car park or a gift shop.
Nov 22nd 1963
Maxonians have taken to standing on the grassy knoll, pointing, and hurling bricks at strange objects in the sky. New safety measures are sanctioned allowing aircraft to fly over Macc at supersonic speeds. This high speed becomes known as Macc 1.
July 21st 1969
A giant leap for Macc-kind.
Electricity is discovered by the boiled egg-loving hermit: Michael Fartaday.
Slimy Git immediately patents the essentials of life.
He brings to the town the pie warmer (1969);
cigarette vending machine (1970);
the 8-track cartridge (’74); the Betamax video (’75);
and the Punk Rock Guitar Amp (1976)…