HISTORY OF THE MACC LADS

APRIL 1977

3 bands perform at Macc’s first punk concert at Glegg St Hall. Nine spotty kids:

• The Gutterpress (Ray No, Johnny Mard, Wilbur Clough)
• The Scum (Stez Styx, The Beater, Bammy the Bamster) and..
• The Lemmingth (Pott Shrigley, Muttley McLad, Cheeky Monkey).

No one gets paid. Organiser: Mr S.Git.

DECEMBER 1981

Muttley finds a Vauxhall Viva on the tip. The Lads make a recording of Boddies…

ARGY BARGY: 1982

JANUARY 82
Macc Lads play at Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club in London. They write Twenty Pints in the dressing room, and play both songs twice. They have yet to be invited back.

FEBRUARY 82
Wilbur Clough turns into a poof. Lads record Now He’s a Poof & Do You Love Me?

Slimy Git sells Wilbur some life assurance.

MARCH 82
Lads record Eh Up! & Lads From Macc.
Wilbur Clough run over by ‘A rusty car with a vinyl roof.’

APRIL 82
Argentina invades the Falklands. Lads record Buenos Aires & Failure.
Virgin offer a deal. Stez declines, deciding Mr Branson is a poof. Slimy Git unhappy.

MAY 82
One Gallon cassette released. Melody Maker describe it as:
‘The most lewd, offensive and humorous offering of the year.’

JUNE 82
Infamy spreading. The bans begin. Pott Shrigley arrested for sheep molesting.

JULY 82
Lads discover Al O’Peesha’s hair is really a wig.

AUGUST 82
Sweaty Betty taken over by the National Truss.
Lads banned from the Rock Garden in London after a Gay Rights protest.

SEPTEMBER 82
Lads record Jingle Bells & Blackpool at a studio in Duckinfield.
Fellatio Nell opens her famous cheese shop.

OCTOBER 82
Twenty Pints -The Video recorded at the Red Lion. Many ferrets appear.

NOVEMBER 82
Uncle Knobby arrested in Athey St playground.
Lads banned from Huddersfield Poly after violence at gig.

DECEMBER 82
Slimy Git releases Minge Pies & Mistletoe Xmas cassette. Sales figures unknown – he does not want to concern the Lads with ‘financial mundanities’

THE MOST BANNED BAND: 1983

JANUARY 83
The Beater is dumped by Miss Macclesfield as he shares a house with 43 relatives, eats with his fingers and doesn’t use toilet paper.

FEBRUARY 83
The Lads receive 40p each for a gig in London. A nightclub owner is found battered on the Northbound M6. Slimy sends a postcard from the Canaries.

MARCH 83
The Beater spotted at VD clinic after a gig in Huddersfield. Cassette sales reach 2000. Slimy Git holidays in USA.

APRIL 83
‘Lemon Kelly’s’ in Macc wrecked after a gig. Manager’s nose and barman’s arm broken. LK’s closes down. Lads banned from Macc for 2 years.

MAY 83
Cheeky Monkey gains access to the nurses home. Chorley the Hord visits from Middlesbrough and is inaugurated

JUNE 83
Eh Up! LP recorded in Duckinfield. Songs include Sweaty Betty, Get Weavin’, Baggy Anne, & Saturday Night. No record companies will touch it with a shitty stick.

JULY 83
Charlotte voted ‘Biggest Slag in Macc’ for 2nd year running. With no takers for the LP, Slimy Git warns of financial doom. He cuts the Lads’ wages and sells a helicopter.

AUGUST 83
Stez emigrates to London. He stays 45 minutes. Slimy relents and allows the Lads to run up tabs in his pubs.

SEPTEMBER 83
The Beater in hospital with a poisoned liver.

OCTOBER 83
Bammy the Bamster treated for burns to the posterior.

NOVEMBER 83
Cheeky Monkey escapes from the nurses home. He is very thin.

DECEMBER 83
Beater out of hospital. The band start gigging again. The infamous trip to Blackpool.

THE GREAT BOGROLL FAMINE: 1984

JANUARY 84
Official:- Stez has reduced the homosexual population of Macc to zero, (though rumour has it that there is a bloke in Bollington who drinks halves).

FEBRUARY 84
Slimy Git absconds with the takings from the 100 Club gig. The search for Mr Git. Stez lets off the bloke in Bollington- (he has a note from his mum).

MARCH 84
New strain of penis-ill-in found in Baggy Anne’s cleavage. The search for Mr Git is widened.

APRIL 84
Slimy Git found under the floorboards of a sweetshop in Hull.

MAY 84
Dick Edd drinks 20 pints of Old Tom. He is blind for one month.

JUNE 84
The Beater receives a record number of Father’s Day cards and goes back into hospital – with suspected AIDS. Stez disowns him.

JULY 84
Mr Git allowed out of intensive care. Stez buys rubber gloves for poofbashing. The Beater diagnosed as “whinging hypochondriac” and discharged.

AUGUST 84
Basher Braithwaite’s sister becomes pregnant. Muttley is suspected.

SEPTEMBER 84
Muttley gets married. The Lads refuse to speak to him. Ray No washes the Viva for the first (and only) time. It is brown. Bammy wins the sweep.

OCTOBER 84
Muttley gets divorced.

NOVEMBER 84
The New Delhi opens in Macclesfield.

DECEMBER 84
The Great Toilet Roll Famine. Lads not on speaking terms. Git organises a sell out gig in Manchester, (in aid of an ‘unnamed charity’). Muttley starts gigging as The Macc Lad.

BEER & SEX & CHIPS N GRAVY: 1985

JANUARY 85
Stez and Muttley involved in a vicious brawl: two pubs destroyed. Stez wins on points. One wing of Git Mansions gutted by a mysterious fire. Police search for: ‘a miserable Asian in a leather jacket.’

FEBRUARY 85
Cheeky Monkey’s climbing frame is demolished by ‘a rusty car with a vinyl roof’. Muttley accuses the Beater of being a Pakki.

MARCH 85
The Beater accuses Stez of being homophobic.

APRIL 85
Beater allowed out of the oxygen tent. Ray No and Pott Shrigley both injured by stale pies at a football match.

MAY 85
Muttley convicted of assault with a dangerous weapon- a fine and suspended sentence. Slimy Git in receipt of a large insurance cheque.

JUNE 85
Slimy Git forms Hectic House Records. He offers the Lads 100 pints to make a record. Lads immediately back on speaking terms.

JULY 85
A government grant is secured to finance the new record (the smallprint of Git’s contract). Young Man applies to become a Macc Lad.

AUGUST 85
Beer & Sex & Chips ‘n’ Gravy recorded at Bald Eagle’s on the 22nd. Lads begin a European tour. Stez shows Young Man how to offend foreigners. The Lads are banned, and only play the Antwerp show.

SEPTEMBER 85
Lads banned from a strip club in Bury for being too rude. The Beater teaches Young Man how to pull crack.

OCTOBER 85
EMI refuses to press the LP. A PR woman resigns- refusing to have anything to do with ‘those boys’. Stez arrested for bashing more than his fair share of poofs.

NOVEMBER 85
After 2 years, the Lads do a gig in Macc with Cheeky Monkey playing drums. After lessons from Muttley, Young Man drinks his first unassisted pint. He is inaugurated, buys an afro wig, and adopts the name Winston Dread.

DECEMBER 85
Manchester Gallery gig is slyly videoed by Slimy Git. Beer & Sex & Chips n Gravy released on Xmas Eve.

FINES FEES & FAT MPs: 1986

JANUARY 86
MP Geoffrey Dickens tells the press about the government grant: ‘Surely it must be illegal?’ …Stez sent down.

FEBRUARY 86
The ‘Grant Issue’ is plastered all over the media, and questions asked in the Commons. The grant is withdrawn. The Lads are fined £2000, Mr Git disappears. ‘You are promoting an obscene record which we do not consider suitable for public support.’

MARCH 86
Muttley back in court, a mystery figure pays his fine- allowing the Lads to go on tour. In Stez’s absence, Johnny Mard is voted ‘Hardest Man in Macc.’

APRIL 86
The first Macc Lads teeshirts appear. Git is suspected. Lads thrown off ‘Busman’s Holiday’ TV programme for naughtiness. Barrel becomes top roadie, after beating Slob in an obesity competition.

MAY 86
Muttley’s head is split open (for the 1st time) by a bottle whilst onstage in Ashton. He claims not to have noticed. The Lads appear on local TV and radio in Cornwall, and are promptly banned from the county.

JUNE 86
Lads banned from Blackpool, but Slimy signs a new deal with ‘a consortium of Fylde businessmen who wish to remain anonymous.’ Buenos Aires revived at concerts after England are knocked out of the World Cup by a cheating Argy git.

JULY 86
Cheeky Monkey visits Chester Zoo with his climbing frame and a large tub of KY jelly. He has not been seen since. After a visit from Gitco Protection, Chorley the Hord decides he would rather play drums than see all those puppies die.

AUGUST 86
New single recorded at Bald Eagle’s. The Beater is suspended for holding hands with a girly in public.Knobby plays guitar.(Recordings of Knutsford, Verse LIX, & Pass Me a Hammer (there’s a fly on the baby’s head), go missing . Git is suspected.)

SEPTEMBER 86
The single Eh Up! released. ‘Beat the Bans’ tour begins- the Lads play on a wagon in towns where they are banned. They are arrested 7 times for breach of the peace. Granada TV do a short documentary. It has a lot of bleeps in it.

OCTOBER 86
After a concert, Slimy is accused of stealing the entire contents of a Brighton pub. Git hides the evidence – in Barrel. After a stomach pump, Barrel cannot explain the presence of 4 bottles of whisky, 2 crates of ale, a box of cigars, 6 wicker chairs, a fruit machine and a packet of crisps.

NOVEMBER 86
EMI sue the Lads for breach of copyright. All copies of Eh Up! to be burned. The Lads burn the records outside EMI’s offices in a bonfire night gig.

DECEMBER 86
The Lads’ 5th birthday, and the Gary Glitter Tour. They get to touch his vast belly, and Knobby slips a few snapshots onto his computer (which hasn’t been invented yet).

BITTER, FIT CRACK: 1987

JANUARY 87
Macc Lads appear in Fiesta, a regular cartoon strip begins, and the Lads get to play with all the models’ unfeasibly large bosoms.

FEBRUARY 87
After 3 years of trying, a gig in Blackpool ends with so much damage that the Lads are banned again. Lockstock joins Barrel in the roadcrew. St Valentine’s Day gig in Macc (as The Cheshire Chaps) is banned by the police.

MARCH 87
Ben Nevis (6’10” & 24st) becomes top roadie by eating Barrel in an obesity competition. The Lads are banned from Colchester. This upsets them a dead lot.

APRIL 87
A new album is recorded at Bald Eagle’s. Tracks include Julie the Schooly, Uncle Knobby, & Got to be Gordon’s. Offers from record companies trickle in.

MAY 87
HH7 Bitter, Fit Crack released on cassette only. Bob Geldof objects to one song, (Feed Your Face), & attempts to stop the LP being released. All record company offers are withdrawn, a court case looms. Lads banned from Hull (again).

JUNE 87
Barrel’s Round – the Video recorded. Lads appear in Viz for the first time. 1500 HH7 cassettes sold in one month, through one shop, but Slimy is barred from pressing vinyl, or distributing outside Macc.

JULY 87
Slimy wins the court case. Slippery is seen burning some negatives. New deals are signed with RCA and FM records. HH7 appears in shops nationwide.

AUGUST 87
The Beater wrecks a recording studio in Salford. He is furious that engineer, “Porky Pig”, can’t make his guitar sound ‘evvy metal.’ Six songs are used for the Filthy Fat & Flatulent cassette: including Fat Bastard & Eh Up! Let’s Sup!

SEPTEMBER 87
“Get off Your Arse” Tour begins in Blackburn. Bitter, Fit Crack released on vinyl. The Blackpool gig is banned (again). The Lads plan to play on a wagon. Police threaten to arrest them. The Lads play anyway. The police do nothing. The police are interviewed and say that the Lads never turned up… A video of the gig appears on Three Bears.

OCTOBER 87
The tour attracts huge crowds. In Bristol and Leicester, more people are outside than in. Muttley says “Tough”, Slimy is upset. Both LPs enter the Extremely Rude Chart For Bands with Singers Whose Names Rhyme with ‘Guttley’.

NOVEMBER 87
The Lads are banned from Newcastle, Slimy cries whilst refunding all the ticket money. Band’s van trashed by a battalion of feminist pacifists and a mince of gay rights activists – the latter group arrange the debris in a tasteful way that doesn’t clash with anything. Jingle Bells 7″ released after five pressing plants refuse to touch it.

DECEMBER 87
A live album is recorded at Leeds. A smoke bomb goes off, Lockstock’s arm is lacerated in the mayhem. Bald Eagle faints at the sight of the blood. The Lads play 2 gigs at Stoke, the first being a matinee for under 18’s (and Uncle Knobby).

FLOCK ‘N’ ROLL: 1988

JANUARY 88
Hectic House raided by police who confiscate a joke plastic dog turd. Al O’Peesha leaves his banking job to work as band dogsbody and roadie’s punchbag.

FEBRUARY 88
A new single is recorded on the 10th. Lads banned from Cleethorpes: ‘ We’ve had the Sex Pistols here, but the Macc Lads? No Way!” Poof.

MARCH 88
Lads play two foreign gigs- Edinburgh and Wrexham- where the Bishop tries to ban them. An estimated 14 galls of urine are thrown at the Lads in Bristol. Beater prefers it to lager.

APRIL 88
Release of Pietaster 7″, Four Bleats to the Baa video and Sheepless Nights cassette. The “Gravy Train” – the Lads play outside southern chippies while Miss Macc serves gravy. Police run the Lads out of Northampton and London (twice). Titterton’s issue a press release denying they employ ‘a fat lady pie taster.’

MAY 88
Pietaster video appears on TV and enters the Charts- (the real one with George Michael in it). After 5 years of trying, the Lads play a university (well, only London, but …), and a gig in the North East (well only Sunderland, but…)

JUNE 88
Court case: Crown v Muttley McLad. McLad accused of displaying a plastic dog turd in the shop window and thereby offending the public. Muttley argues that its a panda pooh, as the toy panda in the window isn’t housetrained. Muttley wins!?

JULY 88
Police appeal against the panda pooh decision. All set for the House of Lords. Lads offered a gig in Brazil after No Sheep receives heavy airplay!? Chorley is having his hair done that night, so Muttley & Beater go to the pub instead.

AUGUST 88
Release of Live at Leeds, The Macc Lads (the who?). No 1 in some charts. No sign of it in other charts. Who gives a fuck? Crowds gather at Hectic House to witness the arrival of the new compact discs. They look like little silver records. No one has a CD player.

SEPTEMBER 88
“Made in Macc” Tour: Coventry, Buckley, Scarborough, Birkenhead, Retford, Cardiff, Bradford, Newcastle, Liverpool, Glasgow, Edinburgh, St Andrews, Sheffield, Leicester, Bristol, Manchester, London, Nottingham, and Stoke. 26 booked, 19 played, 7 banned.

OCTOBER 88
Come to Brum video recorded at Birmingham. The Lads also record special adverts. Ben Nevis gets to eat lots of pies. He won’t know what was in them until he reads this.

NOVEMBER 88
Fun in Scotland. Is a jock still running around with someone else’s ear in a plastic bag? Has anyone cleaned-up Nevis’s vomit from the entire length of Princes St?

DECEMBER 88
The Macc Lads unite all political parties on Worcester Council- they vote unanimously to ban them. A sell out gig n Leeds is banned at the last minute. The Lads hang around the venue all night to abuse bemused fans. The Beater plays his last gig before leaving for his arranged marriage in Goa.

FROM BEER TO ETERNITY: 1989

JANUARY 89
The Lads find a tramp on a park bench. He can’t play guitar, but he drinks vast amounts. Phillip ‘Fast Fret’ McCavity joins the band. Come to Brum video released.

FEBRUARY 89
Fast Fret’s first gig ( Walsall) is banned. The first three videos are repackaged and re-released as The Three Bears.

MARCH 89
The “Funny Shaped” Tour visits many revolting places, including Cambridge, Ripon, Portsmouth, Wolverhampton and Milton Keynes. Much excitement at Hectic House- crowds gather around Slimy Git’s new fax machine.

APRIL 89
Muttley wins the Grand National sweepstake (as usual). Lads get banned from Wigan, Lincoln and Bolton. Boudicea takes over the Bear’s Head. The Lads are barred. The crisis is resolved by a call to Mr Methane.

MAY 89
The Retford gig goes down in history as the hottest ever. Fleets of ambulances ferry away unconscious fans, drumskins sag and guitars refuse to tune up. The Lads get a day out at Wembley, but Macc Town lose… A journalist is kidnapped and deposited 60 miles away – for trying to get a gig banned.

JUNE 89
From Beer to Eternity recorded at Bald Eagle’s on the longest day. Songs include: Fluffy Pup, Geordie Girl & Lady Muck. Slimy starts the ludicrously expensive 0891 info line.Noddy & Big Ears employed to carry batteries for Git’s new mobile phone.

JULY 89
A gig in Mansfield is banned at the last minute, the band invade a pub down the road, and play there for two nights. The Lads return from Torquay to find Hectic House nostril deep in raw sewage. Feminists have blocked the drains with over sized tampons.

AUGUST 89
And Drinking Partners released, featuring the Lads, Eddie Shit and Fatman, Turner, Overweight. Noddy and Big Ears get wed. McCavity slept through August.

SEPTEMBER 89
From Beer to Eternity released. McCavity wakes up for the 5 minutes it is in the charts. (The real chart, with George Michael in it). Extra blubber is recruited for the forthcoming tour. The impressive weight list now reads: Ben Nevis, Mungo, Barrel, Lockstock, Mussolini, Tanky & Blub. In all, over 2000lbs of lard.

OCTOBER 89
One Foot in the Gravy Tour begins with a ban in Portsmouth. Liverpool gig is filmed-the Lads dress-up as heavy metal muthers. Chorley becomes attached to his spandex and make-up, many roadies are called in to persuade him to change.

NOVEMBER 89
At Newcastle, the Lads are required to smash the nation’s supply of Newcy Brown bottles with their skulls. Articles thrown at the Birmingham concert include ceramic tiles, gloss paint, sinks, scaffolding, and a toilet seat …. followed by the toilet.

DECEMBER 89
Quality of Mersey video and Jingle Bells single released. Nevis has to be chipped out of the back of the van after a five hour blizzard on the Yorkshire Moors. 8th birthday gig at Preston. Parole board meets in Liverpool. Chorley legs it.

STEZ IS BACK: 1990

JANUARY 90
Stez is back. Stez Styx returns to claim his drummer’s throne. Chorley the not so Hord is in hiding. Rumour has it that he now runs a wool shop in Kilmarnock.

FEBRUARY 90
Stez plays his first gig in 5 years at Fat Freddy’s party in Edinburgh. Lads banned from Ayr Pavilion. Customers at Hectic House complain that Stez shits in a bucket, carries it through the shop, and pesters them for ‘snout.’

MARCH 90
After a not very secret gig in Stoke, The Stez is Back- Spring Offensive Tour begins with two nights at the Marquee. Fans outside are unwittingly involved in the Poll Tax Riot, when police attempt to arrest the whole queue.

APRIL 90
The Lads play in Hull (at last), North Wales and Cumbria- where a record number of pints of piss are thrown. The Lads feature in a centre page spread in Sunday Sport.

MAY 90
McCavity wakes up on a foreign beach. He was hitching to Colwyn Bay, but the driver heard: “Tampa Bay.” Fast Fret teaches the colonies how to drink beer and talk proper.

JUNE 90
McCavity returns in time to get thrown out of Cheltenham- where the first bag of hot sick is chucked at the band. Ben Nevis becomes landlord of the Bear’s. The front door is widened, and McCavity gets free beer for life. Stuart Pearce misses a penalty.

JULY 90
Fast Fret suffers alcoholic poisoning, Stez calls him a poof, and sets off for Goa, India. Slimy Git is shocked at the price of air travel, and decides to mend the Viva instead.

AUGUST 90
Stez Styx battles through Iraq (twice) and returns with an illegal immigrant in the boot. Kicking and squealing, the Beater is shown the difference between guitars and sitars and his dot is removed. Filming of The Beer Necessities. Beater gets a council house.

SEPTEMBER 90
LP recorded at Baldy’s on Sep 3rd. Songs include Alcohol, McCavity, and Sweeper. Sandbach eats the contents of an ashtray hidden in a kebab. He vows to: ‘Put the wop’s windows through’.

OCTOBER 90
Sandbach claims to have bricked the kebab house window. Remarkably, no one notices it has been broken. Including the owner.Bach is confirmed as a stupid fat lying cunt, and given a job. Eddie Shit, Stella Strict and Mr Methane are signed-up for the tour.

NOVEMBER 90
The Beer Necessities is released on LP MC CD VHS and T-Shirt. Bog n Roll Circus Tour begins in Liverpool. At Bristol, 56 laxatives are hidden in a pie. Sandbach eats the pie. At 4am, the Lads leave Bach shitting in a dark country lane.

DECEMBER 90
The Tour continues, and Bach continues to be left behind in odd places. In Manchester, Bach is hospitalised after falling in the crowd, and Mutts is electrified by beer chucked in the mains. There is a blackout , and most of the gig is drums and crowd only.

BELL END CHEDDAR: 1991

JANUARY 91
War breaks out. 1000 teeshirts are despatched to the troops bearing the slogan: Fuck Off Argy Bastards- possibly old stock of Slimy’s. (He claims its Arabic for Free Kuwait- with every 4million gallons).

FEBRUARY 91
Slimy signs a video deal with Polygram. The Lads get £10 each. Slimy builds a new swimming pool.

MARCH 91
Twenty Golden Crates compilation LP released in lots of smelly foreign countries where they don’t understand a single lyric.

APRIL 91
One Horse Town Tour visits lots of horrid small towns. Bach gets left behind in most of them. Lads get banned from Norwich (sob!)

MAY 91
The Lads leave Sandbach in Dublin with no clothes or money.Oh how they laughed over their cheap beer on the ferry.

JUNE 91
A concert in Manchester is recorded for Sex Pies and Videotape. Many pies appear. Polygram edit out all the rude bits. The finished video is very short, so…

JULY 91
Spoof ads are recorded to ‘pad it out a bit’. One advert is for The Bell End Cheddar – a cheese shop selling smegma and gusset cheese from the stars.

AUGUST 91
High level meetings at Polygram decide to axe jokes about Red Leicester Piggot and Ched Adair. Attempts to replace ‘dogshit’ with ‘dogdirt’ cause Muttley to become violent. Slimy threatens to publish photos from a Bournemouth hotel.’Dogshit’ stays. Yip!

SEPTEMBER 91
The Lads discover that their beer fund has been raided. Muttley accuses Stez. Stez accuses The Beater. Mr Git is nowhere to be seen.

OCTOBER 91
Release of Turtle’s Head EP. Songs recorded by McLad and O’Peesha as the Lads are not speaking. Slimy spotted on a yacht with either a fat cheque, or a fat Czech.

NOVEMBER 91
10 Years Lafter Tour begins at Cambridge. The Beater leaves half way through after Stez slipped a pork sausage into his curry.

DECEMBER 91
Al O’Peesha is promoted to guitarist. At the 10th Birthday gig at Blackburn, Al pushes Bach into a cupboard and tells him its a lift. The Lads fuck off home, Bach is still waiting to reach the basement…

BALTI TOWERS: 1992

JANUARY 92
The Beer Fund is empty. After 10 years, the Lads decide to go their separate ways. Mutts and Al continue to write rude songs.Muttley continues gigging as The Macc Lad.

FEBRUARY 92
Muttley changes S. Git’s name in the phone book to S.Rushdie. Mutts is rewarded with free kebabs for life by the Iranian takeaway on Sunderland St.

MARCH 92
The Beater returns to Goa to become a film star. He stars in the Indian western Poppadum Cassidy, and in the hotel comedy Balti Towers.

APRIL 92
Stez opens a barber’s in Liverpool specialising in crap perms for scousers. He calls it “Seigfried Buffoon”.

MAY 92
Sex Pies and Videotape released by Polygram. It is short and slightly ruder than St Winifrid’s School Choir.

JUNE 92
SP&V appears on several TV shows. Muttley is disgusted, and turns down offers to appear on Wogan and Blue Peter.

JULY 92
The Macc Lad Tour starts at Doncaster. Fans fail to notice that there is no band, and dance, spit and throw beer, piss, bottles and vomit regardless. Just like old times.

AUGUST 92
Gordon’s Takeaway is closed down by Health and Safety Officers. Someone found fur in their cod fillet and complained. Must have been a tourist.

SEPTEMBER 92
Muttley’s skull is split by ‘an object’ thrown during a gig in North Wales. He finishes the gig, but only just gets back before last orders. He has to stop in Chester for a blood transfusion and surgery from the machine that goes ‘ping’.

OCTOBER 92
Stez returns to Walton following a misunderstanding in a public lavatory. Apparently the vicar was talking about tabernacles and church organs.

NOVEMBER 92
The Beater’s film career in Bollywood is flourishing. He stars alongside Curry Grant in Pilau Talk, and has a screen-test for 9½ Sikhs.

DECEMBER 92
Hectic House evacuated and Sunderland St sealed off. Police receive a bomb threat. A suitcase is found in the alley. Muttley volunteers to throw the briefcase in the canal as his fags are in his bedroom, and all the shops are shut. A controlled explosion destroys 100,000 counterfeit Vietnamese Dongs.

GENITAL HAIRPIECE: 1993

JANUARY 93
Hectic House is invaded by men in suits and sunglasses. They are carrying violin cases and looking for Mr Git. Slimy is nowhere to be found.

FEBRUARY 93
Git found running a chain of hairdressers in Liverpool; crap perms a speciality. Stez sends Johnny Mard with a message for Mr Git.

MARCH 93
Chorley attempts a ‘comeback’ with his new band Hord Urves. Stez sends Johnny Mard with a message. Barrel announces that he is emigrating to Thailand with his Thai fiancee. Barrel confirmed as a fat, lying cunt.

APRIL 93
Al O’Peesha has a heart attack. The Lads fight over his wig collection and his car.

MAY 93
Someone calls an ambulance. The Lads decide that there is no point in his record collection gathering dust.

JUNE 93
Or his guitar.

JULY 93
Al gets a new heart, and comes home. The Lads commiserate about the burglary.

AUGUST 93
Slimy sells the rights to the Macc Lads back catalogue to a fat man with a beard from Canterbury, and promises one last LP.

SEPTEMBER 93
Muttley recruits Winston Dread as the new drummer. Winston does not have any drums, but claims to have riddim. Whatever that is. O’Peesha becomes the guitarist when Slimy sells him a left handed guitar just like the one that was stolen.

OCTOBER 93
Johnny Mard- now the hardest man in Macc- tells Slimy that he would like to join. Slimy tells the Lads that this is a splendid idea. Rehearsals begin when the pub shuts.

NOVEMBER 93
All LPs are re-released on CD with extra tracks, along with a compilation of out-takes An Orifice and a Genital. San Marino knock England out of the World Cup.

DECEMBER 93
New album recorded on Dec 17th. Songs include Rockweilers, Dirty Glass and Hen Night. The Lads play a one-off Christmas gig in Nottingham.

ALEHOUSE ROCK: 1994

JANUARY 94
Lads in court over ‘racism’ on the 0891 line. A line from Frogbashing is quoted: ‘Back to Dover in the old land rover, ten frogs in the back- a good day’s shooting.’

FEBRUARY 94
Court Ruling: The song is an incitement to racial hatred. Git fined. Muttley supplies the court with more tapes: Stez’s cell has a spare bed, and he is keen to see Slimy again.

MARCH 94
Trouble with visas for Middle East tour: dates in Dubai, Abu Dhabi and Qatar are scrapped when officials discover that the word ‘alcohol’ might get mentioned. Amir for the Beer Tour posters are torn down.

APRIL 94
Alehouse Rock released and the tour begins in Timperley. Killingman Giro becomes top roadie after out-farting, out-eating and out-girthing Nevis in an obesity competition.

MAY 94
The tour goes round the country, taking in Northampton, Doncaster, London, Bristol, Preston, Wolverhampton, Poole, Glasgow and Edinburgh- where Killingman Giro does a bellyflop into the crowd, injuring 27 ginger people.

JUNE 94
Bad news for Slimy:- The insurance company refuse to pay-up for the crash after the Wolves gig. While adjusting his wig, O’Peesha smacks Slimy’s car into the back of the band’s van. K2 and Giro catapult through the windscreen and write off both vehicles. Winston Dread is impaled by an axle, but still manages to nick the stereo.

JULY 94
In Derby, Dread bets Mard that he can’t drink 48 cans of Special Brew and still play the gig. Mard accepts. With his winnings, Dread buys some ‘wicked sounds’……Whatever they are….

AUGUST 94
Slippery Git is replaced by Igor on the teeshirt stall for the gig in Banbury. Igor writes his own sign: ‘T-SHERTS £5 VIDIOES £10 eech’.

SEPTEMBER 94
Igor is retained for further concerts. At Leicester, Slimy gives him new merchandise to sell….. rhododendrons, nasturtiums, and chrysanthemums.

OCTOBER 94
The concert at the Oldham Coliseum Theatre is widely believed to be the finest gig the band ever performed. Slimy Git begs to differ, as he is given the bill for the damaged seats, bar, stage, carpet, roof, walls, doors, and potted plants.

NOVEMBER 94
The Lads arrive for a gig in Belfast to find religious protesters outside the venue. Someone steals Muttley’s boots, so he performs in borrowed pink pumps. Dead hard.

DECEMBER 94
A new record at the Marquee: Comedian Malcolm Hardee sets the record for the shortest set by a support act. He takes the stage in a blizzard of gob, piss, beer and bottles; gets his knob out; and sings Nessun Dorma… For 63 seconds.

THE BITTER END: 1995

JANUARY 95
Due to expanding waistlines, greying hair, fatherhood, and senility, the Lads decide that this will be their last year. Slimy Git gets busy booking a world tour.

FEBRUARY 95
A gig in Austria turns out to be a nazi rally – support acts include It Never Happened; Six Million and One; and Zeig Heil. Winston Dread is not a happy bunny.

MARCH 95
Photo booth fun as the Lads get their pictures taken for their US visas. Killingman Giro sits on Winston, while the lads scrub that ridiculous boot polish off his face.

APRIL 95
Horror:
Macc Town win the league, but are barred from the Div 3.
The Lads retire to the Bear’s Head to discuss strategy.

Double horror:
The Bear’s Head has closed down.
The Lads retire to the White Lion for a crisis meeting only to find that they’re still barred after that business when Maradona handled the ball.

MAY 95
The US tour. Of 347 passengers on the plane, only three were refused entry. The Arab terrorists? The IRA fundraisers? Or the musicians from Macc? The Lads are sent home without playing a note, and are now banned from an entire continent.

JUNE 95
Slimy returns from US with some Macc Lads LPs that no one has ever seen before including Taking the ‘O’ out of Country and Beer,Beer We Want more Beer.

JULY 95
Another strange record arrives in the post. A German cover version of Sweaty Betty. The Lads decide it sounds ruder in German, and plan an invasion.

AUGUST 95
Slimy invites the whole gang to a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Beer & Sex. High ticket prices (to keep out the riff-raff) means that nobody turns up.

SEPTEMBER 95
Lads invade Germany. Muttley fulfils a lifetime ambition – he tells a joke in German and gets no laughs whatsoever.

OCTOBER 95
From their dressing room in Berlin, Mard and Dread pour piss on the queue outside. Muttley shouts: “Sie sind Arschficken, und sine Muttern stink von Weasel Piss!” The fans shout: “Shut up and let us in – we’re from Wythenshawe.”

NOVEMBER 95
Git attempts to round up the whole gang for one last gig. McCavity, Styx, Beater, Chorley, Barrel, Lockstock, K2, Mungo, Knobby, Sandbach, Slob, Big Ears, Noddy, and Cheeky Monkey all refuse to accept reversed charge calls.

DECEMBER 95
The Lads played their 500th gig at Rock City, Nottingham, on Dec 4th 1995.

THE GREAT DEPRESSION: 1995 – 2016

Letters begin arriving from the CSA. Nothing happens for a long time. Time passes.

THE PENSION POT: 2016 to the Present Day

JANUARY 2106
The lads discover SMS messaging. Muttley refuses to read any that are over 160 characters long.

FEBRUARY 2016
Muttley asks Bammy if he knows any good singers. The Lads begin the journey towards learning to play their instruments again. It’s a long ride.

MARCH 2016
Beater reveals that he has spawned enough kids to populate a commercial nursery, and charges each of them £600 a week to stay at his house. He moves house.

APRIL 2016
Chorley confesses to dying his hair. He stops getting invites to the pub.

MAY 2016
Stez wants to buy a new guitar and suggests that the band gets it’s shit together or he will kill everyone in the room.

JUNE 2016 – JANUARY 2017
The rehearsal months. No one is killed.

FEBRUARY 2017
Rehearsal in public at the Queens in Stockport as FILF.

AUGUST 2017
The band attend Rebellion in Blackpool in disguise as FILF. None of the members are refused entry, the local council haven’t noticed, and they are not banned. It is widely agreed that all the councillors who banned the Macc Lads have probably had breast implants and moved to Venezuela, taking their offshore funds with them.

FEBRUARY 2018
After sell-out gigs as FILF in the previous 6 months, the band announce they will play live again as The Macc Lads at Rebellion 2018. Bammy buys a bullet proof vest, a full face crash helmet, and a riot shield.