The most valuable commodity on the Macc Exchange, much sought after at the Ale Bank. Stocks for transfusions are permanently low. There are 24-hour Ale Machines on Mill St and Ale Bags in the hospital freezer.

Alehouse Rock
An LP released in 1994. The yellow one. In addition to guitars, drums and kazoos, the Lads had now learned to play the anvil and the jew’s harp. But Muttley still can’t sing.

All Over the Carpet
Regular support act 1982-5, featured guitarist Neil Axminster, saxophonist Sarah Wilton, a singer called Waremout Wilf, and a one legged drummer.
Q:”What do you give the girl that has everything?”

…And Drinking Partners
A 6- track EP from 1989 featuring the Lads, Eddie Shit and Fatman-Turner-Overweight. Some versions also contained “Uncle Knobby’s Pet’s Corner”- starring Knobby, sellotape, a hamster called George, a vibrating butt-plug, and an electric drill.

Anne, Baggy
Responsible for the sexual initiation of Macclesfield’s teenagers. Lengthy queues of spotty youths could be seen outside her door on a wet playtime.

Apple Macc
A TV-like gadget found in offices. Invented in Macc, but we’re not sure what they do.

Noun, expletive, verb and adjective. Also the subject of songs by Macc musicians: E.G: Fungus Sharkey: “A Good Arse These Days Is Hard to Find.” Stuart Rod: “You’re In My Arse”

Axminster, Neil
From support act, to soundman, to Tour Manager. Known as ‘Nose on Sticks’, and able to sniff out any grease stop within 50 miles. The ‘thinnies’ eating champion.

Bagshit, Elsie
Performed duets with support act Edward Shit – including “Its In His Piss”, and “Girls Just Wanna Suck Come.”

Bamster, Bammy the
Pyrotechnic expert. Somewhat blown away by the arrival of Mr Methane. Designed the Macc Lads and Hectic House logos. When the Lads got lost in the fog in Belgium, they all decided to sleep in the Viva. Bammy stuffed a dead cat under the front seat- and buggered off to the pub.

Useless, fat, lying cunt.
Called for back-up at a Preston gig, as he was having trouble throwing out a rowdy fan. The roadies arrived in the nick of time to save him from a 13-year old girl. Afterwards he told the band, who hadn’t seen the incident, that there were: “Half a dozen big lads causing mither.” Fat, lying, lardy lump.

Bear’s Head
The centre of Macc life from 1785-1994. Built on an ancient burial ground, the site is consecrated, -planning applications have been filed to turn it into a place of worship.

Beater, The
Known as “The Beater” because he beats about the bush. He was only happy during guitar solos.
Everything and everybody else he loathed and detested… “Hey Beater! The gig’s sold out! The single’s just charted! There’s fit birds and ale waiting for you in the dressing room! Slimy’s given you a £500 bonus!… Great eh?” Beater : “Sigh, hurrumph … its still raining….”

Beer & Sex & Chips n Gravy
An LP released in 1985. The black one. This came out before the Lads had learned that difficult second chord, and before their bollocks had dropped.

Beer Necessities
An LP released in 1990. The pink one. The teeshirt was supposed to depict a huge, wobbily, fat, hairy beer gut. Sadly, it just looked like a dirty pink teeshirt.

Bell End Cheddar
When Hectic House closed down, and before it was knocked down, the Lads redecorated it, putting this sign on the front. Old ladies were heard moaning: “Tut! That bloody cheese shop is never bloody open!”

Big Ears
Big Ears had dead big ears, sang backing vocals on the LPs, and recorded local radio ads for concerts. An avid Man U fan, he detests scousers. Now a policeman. Guess where?

Elizabeth Bigg
There has been a “Sweaty Betty” residing in Macc since records began. A document of 1302 records Macc O’Polo mounting an Elysabeth Bigge with: “Grappeling hookes and seege tower.”
Shakesbeer himself recounts: “None could comprehend the bulke of Lizzy Large, I ordered a hackney to get round her arse.” Oscar Vile’s Ballad of Bedding Betty (1899) recalls: “I boarded the bus near Betty’s neck, the best view was afforded upon the top deck, Fellow passengers alighted at her tits, I remained for two stops and got off at her clit.”

Dressed in black plastic, a gothic monstrosity who’s voice could fossilise dogshit. Her finest moment is the intro to Alehouse Rock. She is now a care assistant working with the mentally handicapped. She takes them on day trips, and is often heard asking pub landlords: “Can I bring me spacks in?”

Known as Piss of the Gods- this sacred liquid flows in the veins of every true Macc Lad.

Bitter, Fit Crack
An LP released in 1987. The red one. Its release was held-up by protests over the track “Feed Your Face”; and Slimy’s reluctance to pay the pressing plant.

A suspiciously useful roadie. Blub knew how to change guitar strings and set up a PA, but never grasped the Great Grease Challenge: he used to thump everyone and steal their food.
Slimy supplied him with 12 raw chickens per concert.

Boddington’s Bitter. A vital ingredient for the cultivation of the beergut/ kite/ fuel tank.

Bog Roll
Various items have been sanctioned for use as arsewipe.(See: CHOCOLATE STARFISH CLEANERS )

Bog n Roll Circus
An EP released in 1990, featuring the Lads and Eddie Shit. A limited edition of these also boasted Uncle Knobby’s Pet’s Corner – featuring the Pervert, a toad, a tampon and a sledgehammer.

The river which runs through Macc. Known as the River Jordan until the 1700s- this was a corruption of the Medieval River Gordon- as the Chinaman had sole fishing rights.

A suburb of Macc- the locals watch Scouse soap operas:- they’re all into Bread. A farmer from Bollington entered the Bear’s Head with a pig under his arm: “Where did you find that disgusting smelly creature?” Asked the barman. “Bollington” Said the pig. … Etc… You get the idea.

Boy, Naughty
Everything in the song was true. He never stopped; his naughtiness knew no bounds. Every day Naughty Boy would ‘acquire’ something new through his nocturnal activities. During football conversations in the pub, he would suddenly blurt out: “Wanna buy any pigs?”

Bygraves, Maccs
Alleged singer, employed to wail and croon at funerals.

Many women have claimed that the song was written about them. Muttley will not reveal the song’s real heroine. In 1982, when a photo of the Lads was developed, a graffiti on a wall was revealed: ‘Charlotte is the biggest slag in Macc’. Sadly the wall was knocked down, despite a preservation being applied for.

Cheshire Chaps
A pseudonym used by the Lads to circumnavigate the bans. They adopted posh voices, and even had their own song: ” Good day, we’re the Macc Chaps, We go to wine bars, But we never walk there, We drive there in our cars, We all work for daddy, He bought us our GTIs, And a skiing trip at Christmas, And that was a nice surprise.” However, it fooled no one, and the Lads got banned anyway.

Invented by Gordon during the Great Turnip Famine of 1606. Now available at selected emporia outside Macclesfield.

The man with the talent of ‘power burping’. He worked at Hectic House and roadied until he went to prison for burning his school down.

If any of these anal tales had happened to you, would you tell anyone? There are witnesses to the underpant tale, and corroboration for the patio incident. However, all the desperate details came straight from the arse’s mouth, so to speak.

Dread, Winston
When will he realise that he isn’t black? Driving through Glasgow, the Lads nearly ran over an old crippled bag woman. “Urgh!” Shouted Johnny Mard, “She’s even uglier than Dread’s bird!” “Is she fuck!” Protested Dread.

Eagle, Bald.
The Lads producer. Baldy’s favourite thing was recording the pub noise. When all the tracks were done, he brought beer in from the pub next door, invited people round, and recorded the ‘party’. Baldy used this time to get even with people. He would talk into the microphones and leave incriminating statements on the record. Listen closely, and you will hear:
“Your Mick smokes dope, Mrs Gratton.” “Hey, Turner! Pete Duffy shagged your wife six years ago.” “Barbara! Ask your Dave what he does on a Tuesday night.” Etc. Sad, bald git.

The Eatles
A support act from Liverpool. The Flab Four spent too much time eating to do many concerts,
but their zany antics and moptop haircuts were a hit with both of their fans. Memorable songs include Strawberry Meals, Here Comes the Bun and I am the Walnut.

Fatman, Turner, Overweight
Slimy received a demo tape from an act with one joke… Nothing unusual about that…
FTO sang songs about eating, whilst eating. This amused Slimy so much, he signed them up for an LP to include the tracks: ‘Gravy Love'(Diana Ross & the Chicken Supremes), ‘Living on a Pear’ (Bun Jovi), ‘Brown Eyed Handsome Flan’ (Pudding Trolley), and several songs by The Eatles: ‘Give Peas a Chance’, ‘I Wanna Hold Your Ham’ and ‘The Salad of John & Yoke’. However, the contract included provision for two bottles of meths… and McCavity was found out.

Filthy Fat & Flatulent
An EP released in 1986. Recorded at Porky Pig’s in Salford. Arguments flared between the Beater and Mr Pig… and the studio was destroyed. Four Bleats to the Baa A video released in 1988, as part of the promotion for the hit single Pie Taster c/w No Sheep ’til Buxton. Unable to resist pathetic punnery, Muttley McLad, The Beater and Chorley the Hord became Mutton McLamb, The Bleater and Farmy the Yard.

From Beer to Eternity
An LP released in 1989. The white one. This was the best selling album, going straight to No 1 in the Chart for Rude Three-Piece Bands From Northern Towns Beginning with ‘M’ that Aren’t ‘Manchester’, (because that’s a city).

Giro, Killingman
Muttley and this huge great balding blubbery thing were in the same team at school. Giro was the nippy left winger. He discovered beer and pies soon after. Now more ‘chippy’ than ‘nippy’.

Git, Slimy
Guru, entrepreneur, manager, business head, publicity baron, accountant, wheeler-dealer and scheming rich bastard. Without this man, the band would probably have disappeared to the pub after a couple of gigs. However, they would have had money to spend when they got there.
Mr Git’s version of events is detailed in his autobiography “A Brief History of Slime” (GitCo £63-99)

Git, Slippery
Nephew of Slimy, and No 2 in the Hectic House hierarchy.
Slippery was in charge of merchandise, and all financial dealings on tour:
Punter: “Can I have a teeshirt, please?” Slippery: “£5 each”
Punter: “Can you change a £20?” Slippery: “Yeah. Here’s 4 teeshirts.”

Macc O’Polo trod the Silk Road in the Middle Ages. He brought back silk, spices, and Gordon.
A wattle and daub hovel was set up on the banks of the Bollin selling flied lice and reeches.
When potatoes were brought back from the New World, Gordon was the first person to slice them, coat them in grease and pour animal fat over them. Thus chips n gravy was born, and
Gordon’s flourished for 400 years, until fur was found in a cod fillet in 1992.

Head, Richard
Richard loved gimmicks- car stickers; hats with “clapping hands” attached; car horns that played “Dixie”; “I’m with this idiot” teeshirts… Yup: he was a dick.

Hectic House
A record shop, record label, management company and where the Lads lived. The building stood on Sunderland St from 1790 until its remains were demolished after a party in 1993.

Hitler, Harold
A huge half-wit who dribbled continually. He was brought in to play bass guitar in 1986, but couldn’t find his way home after the rehearsal. He was unable to play the bass, or even plug it in. Thus Slimy’s attempt to find a bassist who drank less than Muttley came to nought.

Hitler, Little
Harold’s cheeky brother, and roadie. “Lend us ten bob, or I’ll set fire to me chest hair!” “Give us a quid, or I’ll eat this mouse!” He spends lengthy periods in hospital, and is always skint.

Hord, Chorley the
The drummer who played most gigs, pulled most girls, and had the biggest hair. Despite playing in the filthiest, hardest and most disgusting pop group that the world has ever seen, Chorley was always a pansy : “Does my hair look alright?” and “Does my arse look big in these?” The Lads would tut and scour the ‘Drummers Available’ adverts in Jones’.

Occasional roadie whose haircut looked like Howard Jones’ houseplant. (NB: Howard Jones- a popstar with a ludicrous barnet, famous in the period 1984-84).

Also known as ‘Teddy Bear’ for his stumpy limbs. Igor was a long serving roadie, and longer serving Millwall supporter. Many is the time he would scream: “Millwall!” and attack opposing fans – usually at Macc Town v Altrincham matches.

A nightclub situated next to the Bear’s Head, primarily for hardened drinkers who had failed to “pull” during normal licensing hours. Now a carpet shop.

A girl who followed the band everywhere. Aged 14, going on 40. Slimy issued strict instructions.

Mother of Jailbait. Followed the band all over the country, despite the slight handicap of serving a prison term at the time. She would escape, steal a car, see the gig, replace the car exactly where she found it, and sneak back to her cell. Slimy still charged her full price.

Macclesfield’s premier music shop.
They supplied the band with all their gear, and mended all the broken equipment:
“Muttley? Your amp’s fixed.” “Oh, goody! What was up with it?”
“Oh nothing much … once we’d cleaned out three pints of piss, some portions of pig, the fanny batter and a bit of the vomit… it was fine.”

Huge, lazy, blubbery thing who ‘worked’ at Hectic House and roadied occasionally. He refused to take parcels to the Post Office (too far), refused to go in the office (too many stairs), and refused to go to concerts (too hot). The Lads communicated from the top floor by lowering signs down the outside of the building. K2 would be gazing out of the shop window, when a large placard would appear in front of him: ‘Get the kettle on – you fat cunt.’

A ‘Gothic Monstrosity’ who attached herself to Chorley and wouldn’t let go. For 4 years.

Knobby, Uncle
Although a lecherous, perverted, crusty old git, Knobby could actually play the guitar quite well. He learned chords so that he could go to scout camps and play ‘Gin Gang Gooly’ to small boys in shorts. His guitar was always immaculate, as he licked it clean after each concert. However, after a handful of gigs, ‘that miserable Pakistani’ didn’t seem so bad, and the Beater was reinstated.

Live At Leeds- The Macc Lads- (the who?)
An LP released in 1988. The blue one. This was the first Lads’ album to appear
on that new- fangled C.D. format. It will never catch on.

For a fatty, Lockstock was curiously reliable, and quite hard. He had a wonderfully funny shape. (see ‘Fat Chart’). He was not lazy enough for the big time, and his fat was a bit too solid and muscly. Lockstock often saved the Lads from dressing room invasions by desperate female fans. Strangely, the Lads never thanked him for these heroic deeds.

How Macclesfield is referred to throughout the Known World.
It is every pilgrim’s duty to drink and sleep facing Macca and to worship the One True God- Ale.

A biscuit invented in Macc- made from nails, barbed wire and broken glass.
Eaten by women and children, considered ‘too soft’ by the men.

McCavity, Phillip
The guitarist with two personalities.
Five days a week, ‘Fast Fret’ decided that everything was hilarious. He’d set fire to girls’ bottoms, play pranks until everyone wanted to kill him, drink copious amounts into the small hours and tell crap jokes to the milkman. Two days a week, he would take his meths to his favourite park bench, and contemplate suicide. Always carried his belongings around in Tesco bags- his prize possession being a dead cat.

A Macclesfield garment made from rubberised cloth, designed to keep tourists dry.

McLad, Muttley
Fat singer, bass player and songwriter.
Has attended every gig, and appears on every record. He annoyed Slimy by defending himself in court during the ‘Plastic Dog Shit Case’- and winning. Mr Git had organised a huge publicity campaign for when McLad was sent down. It was McLad’s decision to dissolve the group in 1995. Slimy never forgave him. Mutts sided with the ‘Thinnies’ during disputes, despite his huge kite.

Male virility, strength, and aggression. A man thus described must surely come from Macc.

Macc Swell, Robert
A business colleague of Slimy’s. Their last meeting was on a yacht in 1991.

Macc’s Hymn
A pithy saying or proverb, originating in Macc; used as lyrics by Mr McLad.

An adjective used to denote biggest, best, loudest, strongest etc; EG- “Maccsey-mum effort”- the mother of all efforts- (i.e.an effort so fantastic, it must have come from Macc).

Mard, Johnny
An old school friend, he was around 30 seconds away from being a founder member of the group.
He became guitarist in 1994, but has contributed on many occasions since 1981, although Stez would never give him any credit. Mard was the inventor of the ‘Mard Stand’- a larger version of a guitar stand, designed to keep a drunken musician upright whilst playing on stage.

Methane, Mr
Macclesfield’s own super hero who can supply tuneful rectal rasps at will. He has supported the Lads on several occasions, most notably in Glasgow in 1990 when the Lads insisted he have his own airtight dressing room… in Cleethorpes.

Minge Pies & Mistletoe
An EP released in 1983. It contained six Christmas songs. The guitar sounded weedy and the mastertape was dropped into a pan of curry.

Monkey, Cheeky
A close friend of Uncle Knobby. The pair sat for hours in Knowsley Safari Park, picking nits out of each other’s hair. He played drums at a handful of gigs. Last spotted heading for Chester Zoo with his climbing frame.

Mousse, Robert the (1280-1314)
Led the Army at the Battle of Bannockbum. A sweet, fluffy chap who was frightened of spiders.
He lost.

A very large and very hard roadie whose knuckles dragged along the floor. The Army gave him a medal for shooting people… and a prison sentence for shooting some other people. Mungo came home drunk one Christmas Eve, and ate the turkey. His wife wasn’t too upset: he’d saved her the bother of cooking it.

Il Duce believed that Mrs Thatcher was a bit of a pinko commy liberal. When he was doorman at concerts, he refused to let in anyone who looked scruffy or foreign. He barred Chorley at one gig, until he’d got his hair cut. The Beater was sneaked in- hidden under the floorboards of a lorry.

Nevis, Benjamin
The ‘Thinnies’ used to play tricks and take the piss out of the ‘Fatties’. To counter this, Nevis invented ‘The Flounder’. Mungo, Lockstock and Mussolini would seize an unsuspecting thinny, pin him down, and Nevis would do a bellyflop on the hapless creature. ‘Thinnies’ who have been ‘Floundered’ as follows:- McCavity 8, The Beater 7, Muttley 4, Chorley 5, Al O’Peesha 4328.

Niss, P.
A nice chap who helped out with flyposting, roadying etc. One day he got drunk, shot-up Muttley’s flat, and stuffed a gun in Slimy’s mouth, ( as Mr Git wouldn’t share his chips). Muttley later confessed that he had lost count of the number of shots fired when he twatted Niss with a tin of Meaty Chunks. Slimy had emptied his bladder… but still wouldn’t share his chips.

Nitty Nora
Visited schools with her “Nit Comb”. Uncle Knobby fell in love, and spent his evenings licking her comb clean

Ray No
From an immigrant family, Ray’s real name is unpronounceable. It contains no vowels. Ray’s mother would not let him out of the house: “Raymond! No! You are not going out viss girls until you are sirty!” Ray always smelled of hamsters.

Wife of Big Ears, (he lovingly refers to her as ‘Bessie Sea Bass’). She is the only living person to have thumped Stez Styx.

O’Peesha, Algenon
Chief fat-baiter, roadie, PR man, and some-time guitarist. Al once compiled a list of fans who lived in University Halls of Residence. At the start of the holidays, he sent out parcels of dead mice and dogs hit. When the students returned, these parcels had been festering for four weeks.

O’Polo, Macc (1254-1324)
Intrepid explorer and adventurer. He was first to tread the Silk Road, discovering exotic places such as China, Mongolia and Leek. He is credited with introducing silk, mints and Gordon.

Orange, Still
Alcoholic roadie who was on the wagon more often than not.

Poof, Todd
Todd’s PA systems were legendary throughout NW England for their ability to humm, squeal, feedback, fall over, and be quiet.

A very posh village just outside Macc. Ordinary people have to remove their shoes at the parish boundary. The roads must all be steep and muddy, judging by the number of 4-wheel drive vehicles that shuttle between Prestbury and Sainsbury’s car park.

Quiet, Mr
A roadie who allegedly accompanied the band on several tours. No one can ever remember him saying a word. Or even being there.

One of the ‘3Rs’ taught in all Macc schools. (Rudeness, Racism & Spelling)

Al O’Peesha’s incredibly dim dog. A cross between a curly council dog and a Roman helmet, Rowell ran the fan club for a number of years, but was not very good. Letters were chewed, and the phone was never answered.

Runway, Egon
In the early 1980s, Egon ran a rehearsal studios in Macc. It was a front for his nefarious
activities, (judging by the pound notes on the washing line, this included money laundering).
Inevitably, shady characters and CID would make frequent appearances, causing Egon to run away. The Lads would turn round and say: “Where’s ee gone?”

(Pronounced Sand Batch)
a) A service station on the M6.
b) The most useless, stupid, fat and cretanic roadie ever employed by the Band. Dressed by his mother, tourists visit and gape in awe.
3. A Cheshire village responsible for the interbreeding of (b).

Sex, Pies and Videotape
A video released in 1992. Due to cuts enforced by the film company, it is a timid affair -but well worth a look- if only for Sandbach’s dance during the closing credits.

Sheepless Nights
An EP released in 1988, featuring No Sheep ’til Buxton; I Live in a Wool de Sack; and Mary Had a Little Problem, – ovine humour ran riot. Adverts proclaimed: Flock and Roll; Sheep at Half the Price; In All Good Record Chops Now! The roadies were renamed Flockstock and Pen Nevis; and the manager was forced to sign his name as Slimy Dip.

Shakesbeer, William (1564-1616)
Macc’s own Elizabethan bard. His first play Richard the Turd (1589) was totally ignored. As were subsequent offerings, Ale’s Well, Bell End’s Well, and the curry-house comedy Twelfth

His illegitimate offspring (with Baggy Anne Hathaway)- Smuttley Mucklad- was more successful.

Shit, Edward
Real name: Edvard Scheitzenhausen. A toilet cleaner and pub singer from Aintree. His act consisted of singing Beatles songs whilst defecating on stage. Early favourites included: “She Loves Poo”, “And Your Turd Can Stink”, “Being for the Benefit of Mr Shite” and “Shit Came in Through the Bathroom Window”. Mr Shit was last seen on stage with the RLSC (Royal Lavatorial Shakesbeer Co.) in a production of “Toilet and Cressida”. MORE SHIT

Shrigley, Pot
Pot became a garage mechanic as he could do the “Fffff” (sharp intake of breath) very well. He looked after the Lads’ vans until he was whisked away to join Nigel Mansell’s F1 team. On Pot’s first Grand Prix, Mansell screamed into the pits, 9.7 seconds behind first place: “Smooth tyres now!” Pot replied: “Fffff….Thursday?”

Smells, Awesome
Mr Smells had to have his Macc Lads teeshirts specially made. A photo exists of Awesome sitting on his low-loader with Ben Nevis on one knee, and K2 on the other. Sadly, he could only attend open air concerts- and only when it rained, as he must be kept moist at all times.

Softy, Thomas (1840-1928)
Effeminate novelist and poet- run out of town by the Styx Clan. He settled in Dorset and wrote pacifist books, including Far From The Laddish Crowd and Jude the Fairly Well-Known.

Cartoonist, Hectic House dogsbody, and the most fertile man this side of Wythenshawe. Being a ‘thinny’, Stammer was useless at lying. When he looked after the shop on his own, the phone was not answered all day. When Slimy returned the following morning, there was no money in the till, and Stammer had a brand new leather jacket. “Stammer! Did you fuck off into Manchester with all the money yesterday?” “Nnnnnn No!”

Strict, Stella
A school teacher who toured with the Band, sang “Two Stroke Edward” and caned the Lads when they didn’t drink enough.

Stuart Rod
A gay musician with hits such as: “This Old Arse of Mine”, “I Was Only Jockeying”, “You’re in My Arse, You’re in My Hole”, “Young Turds” and “Vaseline Alley”. Stu had to leave the area when confronted with…

Styx, Stephen
The hardest man in Macc, or Manchester, or Grimsby, or whichever town he happened to be in.
He has spent much of his adult life in prisons for battering “more than his fair share” of poofs, tunnel testers, orifice officers, and bravers of the Bournville Boulevard. When at large, he sometimes played the drums.

Sweaty Betty
Descended from a long line of large ladies. It is said that Betty’s ancestor, (Sweaticus Betticus) invented alcohol in order to breed. After retiring from the sewage farm, Betty has had various jobs as an EEC lard mountain, a ski resort and a bus garage.

An extremely hard, well-built roadie. He moved slowly, always wore caterpillars, and had a revolving turret on his shoulders. Why he was called ‘Tankie’ remains a mystery.

Tar Macc
A black substance invented in Macclesfield, made from dead poofs and treacle. It is used to cover road surfaces where all the cobblestones have been eaten by kids.

A PA man from Zummerzet who had a beard, chewed hay, and married his mother.

Vauxhall Viva
A car which appears in various episodes of The Sweeney. Muttley got one from a scrapyard in 1981. It served as tourbus and passion wagon for 5 years. The suspension gave way when Barrel got in.

Vile, Oscar (1856-1900)
Macc-born poet and dramatist. He wrote Lady Windermere’s Fanny (1892) and The Importance of Being Offensive (1895), but he is best known for his witty comments:- When US Customs asked if he had anything to declare, he replied: “No”. His last words were: “Either that wallpaper goes, or I’ll kick your fucking head in.”

Essential to the daily diet:- Vitamin A = Ale. Vitamin B = Beer. Vitamin B12 = Lots of Beer.
Vitamin C = Chips. Vitamin D = Drink. Vitamin N = Fags.

Excellent beer drinking experiences, provided you are NOT the groom. The most celebrated wedding took place in 1984, when a vicar asked Muttley if he would like to spend the rest of his life with a big ale. Naturally, Muttley said: “Yes”. So Muttley got hitched to Abigail Braithwaite, but managed to weasel his way out of it within the month.

A noise made by Druids. Too lazy to make up their own language, they have collected all the unused letters from English- (e.g. The ‘G’ from ‘bough’ and all the ‘L’s from various branches of Lloyds Bank). Thus, in translation: Llangollen = ‘Dump’, Rhyl = ‘Dump’ and Gwynedd = ‘Dump’.

(Aka Jimmy Edwards). An ever present female fan with a ‘tache of walrus proportions.

Macc had a host of indigenous creatures- see EXTINCT SPECIES

A Potter and a PA man, permanently toilet bound. His favourite foods were botulism, salmonella and mildew.

Bill Withers
Bill was at every gig, and everybody thought he was with someone else. Slimy had arranged for a Bristol curry house to stay open for 19 people, (band, roadies, support act, PA, and lighting crew). Bill came along too. The Beater didn’t have a seat, because there were twenty people. The miserable Asian enquired: “Is Bill with us?”

Young Man
A spotty youth who followed the Lads around and learned the ropes. Later he sprouted a ludicrous afro wig, discovered hemp, and adopted the name Winston Dread.

ZZ Top
Every alphabetical list ends with ZZ Top.